Is This Fixable?
by chwitchety
Summary: Written before 7.10. An exploration as to why Arizona came back, and her attempts to reunite with Callie.
1. Chapter 1

Arizona froze as she entered the Attendings' lounge.

Callie was sitting alone at the table, eating a meager fruit salad for lunch. Callie's eyes had widened upon turning to see who the intruder was, before turning back to her food.

Still unsure of herself, but feeling that leaving the room would only make things worse, Arizona closed the door behind her and took a step forward.

It was the first time they had been in a room together since Arizona had returned to work one week ago. Hell, it was the first time she had been able to see her ex properly since her abrupt and premature return from Africa. Arizona's eyes gazed over the back of Callie's head, taking in her new hair style and noticing the restrained tension in her shoulders.

She had tried to go see Callie at the start of the week. She had been informed by an enthused and buoyant Teddy that Callie had moved in with Mark. Arizona's initial disgust was tampered when she begrudgingly acquiesced to the fact that with a sub-letter in their old apartment, moving in with her BFF may have been one of the few options available to Callie.

She had turned up at Mark Sloan's door on a Sunday evening, knowing Callie would be in, and knocked firmly. She had not expected Mark's hostile greeting. Upon opening the door and seeing who it was, his face contorted into a sneering growl.

"Be thankful I'm a gentleman and that my career depends on my hands functioning, because even you being a woman wouldn't stop me from punching you in the face."

Somewhat taken aback, but incited to retaliation, Arizona cocked her head exasperatedly.

"Grow up, Mark. She didn't want to go."

Mark stared at her imposingly. Arizona had not backed down.

Dropping his head to his chest before looking back up at her, he sighed.

"I agree, but I'm her friend."

She knew what he was saying, what he was willing her to understand. Frustratingly so. There really was and had been no right or wrong in this situation. Why the hell her life wasn't a cut-copy black and white scenario, she couldn't figure. It would be a heck of a lot better if it was. Mark knew. He could see the grey. Just – he also saw Callie, and he was always, always going to be in her corner. Through George, through Erica and, now, through Arizona.

Arizona bit her lower lip.

"I need to speak with her."

Mark shook his head. "She doesn't want to see you."

Arizona clutched her purse strap reflexively as the sentence made its sharp little way directly to her heart. Jaw line fixed and grim, Arizona searched for the last of her resolve.

"Fine. I'll see her at work."

Mark Sloan, though many would not have thought it of him, was a perceptive man. Sensing the blonde's abject distress, his eyes flicked back to his apartment anxiously before leaning closer to Arizona in collaboration and speaking sotto voce.

"Just…back off for a while, okay? She's…" he grimaced as he stopped talking, unwilling to give away his friend's emotional state in words, but pushing his head forward in empathy, trying to force Arizona to understand. "…Okay?"

Arizona felt the first sliver of hope in a long while. If Mark was implying what she thought he was implying, it was that Callie was still hung up on her – that Callie was still in love with her.

Mark shook his head in disgust at his own betraying actions, noticing the grateful gleam in Arizona's eyes. He raised his voice again.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't come here again."

So here she was now. She took a step closer to Callie, willing her to look around at her again.

"Callie, hey." Arizona's voice was soft.

Callie's eyes flicked over to her left shoulder before sliding back to her food.

"Hey."

Fingering the back of a chair, a seat away from Callie, Arizona kept her gaze trained on her ex.

"Mind if I sit?"

"Feel free."

Arizona sat carefully and they sat in silence together for a minute, Callie was munching on a slice of apple.

"So…how are you?"

Calliope Torres could barely hear what Arizona was saying. Her whole chest was hurting like a cartoon pound weight had been dropped on it. Her head had been swirling since Arizona had stepped into the room. She took a breath and desperately tried to focus. She was not going to let this affect her. Arizona did not deserve to know how much she hurt. That day at the airport was the last time that Arizona took any part of her. She was never going to give anything away ever again. And that meant she had to listen to Arizona and be civil.

"I'm fine thanks." Callie flashed a small smile towards Arizona before looking back to her salad.

Arizona blinked.

Cool, calm, collected Callie scared her. It seemed like a death knell.

"I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you earlier. I tried to come round on Sunday…" Arizona left the rest of the sentence hanging. She didn't want to start with accusing remarks about Callie immaturely refusing to see her.

Callie heard the unspoken, nevertheless, and narrowed her eyes.

"I guess I must have been out."

Arizona flattened her lips at the blatant lie, but let it slide. Her heart felt so heavy, as Callie continued to concentrate on her lunch.

"Callie," Arizona sighed sadly, she knew it was unfair of her, but, "I still love you."

Callie's chewing stopped instantaneously before swallowing quickly. Her head turned to Arizona, although her gaze was fixed to the corner of the room.

"No. Because you don't leave the ones you love and cut them out of your life completely. So…"

Arizona watched Callie as her head turned back to her food, her pulse in her neck flickering and breathing through subtly pursed lips. God, this was one of the reasons that Arizona had fallen in love with her. Callie's inability to cover the heart she wore on her sleeve was heart-breaking. Even in her attempts at detachment.

"Callie, it was the right thing to do. You know this. I love you enough to give you a clean break. I just want you to be happy."

Arizona watches as Callie controls her initial reaction to scoff.

"I make my own decisions to be happy," she paused before adding, "And I am."

Sitting in silence again, Arizona runs her eyes over her ex-girlfriend. The warm caramel hands are slightly clenched, indicating her mood. The blue scrub top sits enticingly over the long armed under-top. Her neck, once the object of Arizona's many affections, is much more easily seen with the new haircut.

"Your hair," Arizona gestured with her head, "It's hot."

"Thanks." Callie's singular word emphasized the snarky comments she hadn't said.

Arizona, unable to help herself, reached out a hand to play with the lush locks that looked so inviting. Callie flinched before Arizona's hand could meet its destination. Arizona's movement ceased and her hand dropped back down to her side.

"I'm just worried about you, Callie. I know you."

Callie's eyebrows raised in incredulousness, her jaw tightening.

"Well, if you took a break from patronizing me for one second, Arizona, you would find out even if you may feel that there's no getting over you, others would say the opposite, and you'll be surprised to know that – I've moved on."

Defensive and angry at the sarcasm, Arizona retorted.

"Callie, both you and I know that 'Mark Sloan' is not moving on."

Callie's eyes glinted furiously and finally flicked over to meet Arizona's. She shrugged and shook her head.

"Well, both you and I know that you don't really have a say in the matter anymore."

Nothing like the truth to rip a hole in your soul.

"Callie…" Arizona felt her anger deflate at the last remark.

"You can leave now, Arizona." Callie turned back to her food.

And the anger came right back again at Callie's outright dismissal. Arizona was so infuriated with her ex-girlfriend's willful stubbornness that she didn't notice how Callie's hands were beginning to shake. She leaned over the chair in-between them to get her face as close to Callie as it would allow. She was livid.

"You don't seriously expect me to believe that you don't lie in Mark's bed each night, wishing that you were anywhere but."

Callie's breath hitched in her throat.

"Fuck you, Arizona."

Triumphantly, Arizona sat back in her seat as Callie grasped the lid to her salad to fumble it back on.

"Touched a nerve did I?"

Callie was incensed at both Arizona and herself, for allowing the blonde to get to her. She stood up abruptly and glowered at the now somewhat smug Arizona.

"Fucking…Fuck you."

Hurt, and now on a roll, Arizona couldn't stop herself.

"Fucking Mark Sloan, more like it."

The shot hit well and true. Callie blanched, mouth beginning to quiver, and Arizona could see the tears begin to well. Immediately regretting the whole situation, Arizona sat up straight, but Callie had already twisted and made a beeline for the door, in an attempt to hide the effect Arizona's words had had on her.

Slipping out of the room, the door clicked softly shut behind her.

"Shit."

Just when Arizona thought that things couldn't get any worse.


	2. Chapter 2

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;  
I go from loving to not loving you,  
From waiting to not waiting for you  
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;  
I hate you deeply, and hating you  
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you  
is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume  
my heart with its cruel  
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who  
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,  
because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~ Pablo Neruda ~

Taking a shaky breath, Callie steadied her emotion for the short walk to the female bathroom. She kept her eyes down where the wall met the floor for the entirety of the journey, for fear someone might notice her. Or worse, speak to her.

Reaching the bathroom and ascertaining its emptiness, Callie dumped the half eaten salad in its plastic container into the bin. Pointedly averting her gaze from the mirror, she made her way into one of the cubicles and locked the door behind her.

Sitting heavily down on the toilet lid, Callie sighed deeply. She had felt like crying, but having to hold tears in for the short shuffle down the busy corridor had dissipated the immediate shock of Arizona's barbed comment.

"Fucking Mark Sloan, more like it."

Callie swallowed painfully. The words were echoing around her brain, sending sharp jabs of emotion through her heart.

She rubbed her forehead intently, before resting her elbow on her leg and pincering the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger.

It wasn't only that.

Ever since Callie had heard of Arizona's return, she had been on edge. When Arizona had first left, Callie had been desperate, forgiving, regretful and full of apology. By the time Arizona had arrived in Africa, she was fairly certain she would have checked her phone to find her voice mail full. Callie really never did have any pride when it came to love. Career, health, money, opportunities and prospects were all a bonus, all just extra benefits, which paled in comparison to the sublime and insatiable feeling of loving, of being loved. Cristina had laughed at her hardly ever being single. In truth, Callie could barely look in the mirror these days.

Arizona had left her. She hadn't answered her voice mail. She hadn't answered her email. The phone would ring out when Callie called. The one time she had called the hospital Arizona was based at, the administration had cordially informed her that Arizona 'was not in at the moment' and 'could they take a message'. Callie had declined. The vague hope she had that Arizona was simply run off her feet and too busy to return her messages was blown out of the water the following week by Teddy confirming Callie's suspicion that they were in contact. She didn't think her heart could sink any lower, but she clung to the information, that Arizona hadn't even mentioned her, like a masochist in the wretched hope that this new knowledge would help her push Arizona Robbins out of her brain. She would grasp the information like a weeping wound in the night, desperate to escape the revolving images and memories, hopeful to find ever elusive sleep.

That was just over three months ago. Two weeks of torture after Arizona had gone, Callie had slept with Mark. His rough beard had tickled her face in not an entirely unpleasant way, both disgusting and pleasing her that it was so different to Arizona.

Arizona.

That had been all she could think about before, during and after. She had thought, like the understanding that Arizona had cut her out of her life completely, that it would help her forget and move on.

It just made her hate herself more.

She found herself starting to get irritated at Mark for the slightest things – for pouring the wrong amount of milk in her coffee, for being so goddamn freaking obsessively health-wise in his eating habits, for…for not being Arizona. It was unfair, she knew. After that first night, she found herself subconsciously pushing him away and archly reacting to him. Callie loathed herself for it, and found herself more and more often in his bed attempting to recreate their connection she felt slipping through her fingers.

Sitting back upright on the toilet, Callie rested backwards, her head lolling to the ceiling.

Three months gone, and last Wednesday Teddy had cautiously sidled up to her at a nurse's station and informed her that Arizona would be back in town by the weekend. She hadn't mentioned exactly why Arizona would be back, only that she would be reprising her job as Head of Paediatrics immediately on the Monday as organized by Chief Webber. That meant that Arizona was back for good.

Didn't it?

Callie had been shocked and nervous. Why was she back? She knew Arizona would try to speak with her, but didn't want to be caught off guard whenever Arizona decided to show up, prepared with one of her logical speeches. She didn't know what to expect. As the days had crept closer and closer to the Saturday flight Teddy had told her about, Callie felt inordinate anger at both herself and Arizona. The fact that Arizona had treated her as such, and the fact that she found herself, though incredibly hurt, so willing to forgive. Had she learnt nothing from after-school specials? Taking back someone who hurt you, simply because you loved them never turned out well.

Callie Torres was not going to be taken for a fool. She hated Arizona.

And yet…

Callie sighed again before standing up in the cubicle and wiping any potential running mascara from under dry eyes.

She had been a bitch and Arizona had taken the bait and Callie was infuriated at herself for allowing her 'Plan A: Being calm and collected' to backfire so readily. Now Arizona would know for sure that she was sleeping with Mark. Now Arizona would know for sure she was in a bad place. Her little attempt at charade had all but screamed out at Arizona, 'I'm not over you. Not one bit.'

Shaking her head and raising her eyes to the heavens, Callie unlocked and stepped out of the cubicle to the still empty bathroom. Two swift steps towards the mirror, Callie focused on the unstained cheeks. Satisfied, she suffocated the thoughts of Arizona – of what she had said, of the gorgeous, now tanned, skin that emphasized her impossibly blue eyes and soft blonde hair, of her smell that was still intoxicating Callie even as she stood – and left with a renewed vigour to continue her day.

Looking at cheeks was one thing, seeing dead, dull eyes was quite another.

Callie was glad Mark was on call tonight.

She had heard about the fire at Costa's Italian, which meant Mark was probably not going to be home for a while. She knew she shouldn't be, but she was entirely thankful to the fire that would keep Mark busy. Callie wanted to lie down and process her day. Think about her next move.

Reaching the door to the apartment, she bristled at the aura of the ever-present door behind her. The door to their old apartment. It was beyond her why she did this to herself. She could have been reasonably happy living at the hotel, not sleeping with Mark and healthily getting over losing the love of her life, but no. Callie Torres was an all or nothing kinda gal. If she was going to subtly go off the rails it would be by living across the hall from a constant reminder of her ex and what they had lost, and by sleeping with her best friend and losing him gradually through hating them both for doing so.

Shrugging off the stifling presence, Callie entered Mark's apartment. She chucked her handbag onto the floor and flopped onto the makeshift sofa bed.

It was times like this she was grateful she was in Mark's apartment and not her old apartment.

If she was at her old apartment, she might have flopped down on her own sofa, and that would have triggered memories of Arizona. Thankfully she was on Mark's sofa, so she wouldn't have memories of Arizona. Memories, of Arizona, like, for example, the last time Callie had flopped down on her sofa in her old apartment. Thank god she wouldn't have memories like that.

It had been two days before Arizona had found out about the Carter-Madison Grant. They had both managed to finish at the same time for a change and had walked home, hand-in-hand.

Callie had been particularly exhausted that day after 4 hip replacements and a clinic. She had been running at least an hour late, which was why Arizona had found her unexpectedly in the change room at 6pm sitting on the bench and messaging on her phone.

"I was just about to text you! I finished late so I thought I'd wait ten minutes and walk you home."

Arizona grinned.

"Are you gonna carry my books for me?"

"Depends. Are we going steady?"

Opening her locker and pulling out her casuals, Arizona slipped her scrub pants off, eyes twinkling as she watched Callie's gaze follow their progress.

"Oh, I think I'd say we are."

As Arizona pulled her jeans into place, Callie looked back at her girlfriend's face and shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, no then."

"No?" Arizona pulled her scrub top off to slip on her shirt and jumper.

"If we're going steady already, then I don't need to score points, right?"

Adjusting the jumper, Arizona looked wryly at Callie.

"Don't push your luck, beautiful."

"I'm real tired."

Grabbing her bag and locking the locker behind her, Arizona reached out her hand to her girlfriend, indulgent look on her face.

"Come on, Whiney McPoser. Let's go home."

The evening had been pleasant and the company had been pleasanter. Callie was glad Cristina had moved out recently, as even she figured that their PDA was in the sickeningly sweet zone. Arriving at their apartment door, Callie had reached for her key as Arizona's hand gently slid onto the small of her back. She loved it how Arizona would often and non-consciously be in contact with her. The hand on her back felt warm and full of deep affection, a gesture full of love that made Callie's spine tingle.

Entering the apartment, Callie chucked her handbag on the coffee table and flopped onto the couch on her stomach with a groan.

"I am so, so tired."

Arizona laughed at her girlfriend's antics as she placed her bag on the kitchen counter before walking over to the couch.

"Poor, poor baby," she pouted as she patted the backs of Callie's ankles.

Callie flicked one of her ankles ineffectually in Arizona's direction in annoyance. Arizona's eyes gleamed at the challenge.

Before Callie had time to respond, Arizona had climbed on top of her girlfriend, her head on Callie's lower neck, body against body. Callie let out a strained groan.

"Oh my god, get off me you great lump."

At Callie's dismay, Arizona began to giggle lightly. The giggles, however, were shaking her body and pushing Callie even more uncomfortably into the sofa.

"Oh my god!" Callie groaned again, as Arizona's body above her began to shake uncontrollably with mirth. Hearing her giggles, Callie began to laugh, which only compounded the problem of Arizona's weight on her and just caused Arizona to laugh louder.

"Right."

Still laughing, but managing to find strength in her boneless body, Callie attempted to push her body off the couch with her arms. Arizona, realizing what was happening, quickly poked her hands into Callie's sides startling her effort and causing her to exhale quickly. Arizona continued to giggle as Callie fell back to the sofa with a whumpf and a groan.

"Ow!" Callie's tone was suddenly distressed. "Omigod Ow!"

Arizona quickly got off her girlfriend and knelt beside the sofa peering at her girlfriend's covered face as she slowly sat up clutching her shoulder.

"Callie? I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

Callie's pain-ridden face instantaneously changed into a shit-eating grin.

"You are so easy."

Exasperated, but relieved Callie was unharmed, Arizona stood and slapped her on the upper arm playfully. Callie's hand shot up to grasp where her hit had landed, indignantly.

"Domestic Abuse!"

Arizona began to laugh again.

"You idiot. I thought you were hurt."

She straddled Callie's lap and placed her hands around her neck. Callie's hands automatically found their way to Arizona's hips as she gazed up to her girlfriend and pouted.

"I could report you, y'know."

"Mmm-hmm."

Callie sensed the change in mood of her partner. She could feel Arizona's breath on her face and felt her body echo her girlfriend's arousal as she inhaled her exhales. Arizona's eyes dropped to her lips and Callie smiled as her own gaze did the same. She lived for moments like these, were it felt like her and Arizona were the only people in the world – breathing, thinking and hearts beating as one.

Her lips were soft as they both melded together, progressing to a rhythmic exploration. Callie felt heady at Arizona's control of the kiss and her hands shifted from her hips to the front of her jeans, fingers fumbling at the button and zip. She could feel Arizona's smile against her lips.

"I thought you were so, so tired?"

Arizona's hips rolled into Callie, stilling any smart-alec response she may or may not have had in her head.

The feeling of love was so unbearably sweet, it made Callie's heart hurt.

Goddammit.

Goddammit. Goddammit. Goddammit.

Callie was drawn back to the present as a singular tear escaped and tracked over the bridge of her nose to plop onto the sheet covering the sofa cushion below.

It was so good she was at Mark's because she wouldn't have memories of Arizona like that. She definitely wouldn't have that particular memory of Arizona every time she had to lay down on Mark's sofa, so similar to her own. She barely thought of Arizona these days, really.

Goddammit.

Now she felt uncomfortably horny. Especially after actually seeing Arizona today, Callie's senses had been reawakened by the familiar smell.

Usually if she felt like this, she would get up and find Mark. Sleeping with him was often a hit or miss situation. Sometimes it relieved her frustration, sometimes it made it worse. Either way, tonight, Callie didn't feel like sleeping with Mark. Something about Arizona's presence had affected her and Callie was just frustrated, sad and confused. She felt her anger build towards Arizona.

If Arizona didn't want to have anything to do with Callie, then why the fuck didn't she stay the hell out of her life? Callie hated her. She hated, hated, hated her.

Except because she loved her.


	3. Chapter 3

~ If you forget me ~

I want you to know  
one thing.

You know how this is:  
if I look  
at the crystal moon, at the red branch  
of the slow autumn at my window,  
if I touch  
near the fire  
the impalpable ash  
or the wrinkled body of the log,  
everything carries me to you,  
as if everything that exists,  
aromas, light, metals,  
were little boats  
that sail  
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,  
if little by little you stop loving me  
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly  
you forget me  
do not look for me,  
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,  
the wind of banners  
that passes through my life,  
and you decide  
to leave me at the shore  
of the heart where I have roots,  
remember  
that on that day,  
at that hour,  
I shall lift my arms  
and my roots will set off  
to seek another land.

But  
if each day,  
each hour,  
you feel that you are destined for me  
with implacable sweetness,  
if each day a flower  
climbs up to your lips to seek me,  
ah my love, ah my own,  
in me all that fire is repeated,  
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,  
my love feeds on your love, beloved,  
and as long as you live it will be in your arms  
without leaving mine.

~ Pablo Neruda ~

Arizona sat stunned in her chair.

She couldn't believe what she had just said.

"Shit. Shit. Shit."

This was not how she had envisaged things going.

This was not the tearful, forgiving reunion she had optimistically and unrealistically planned for. Everything had gone to –

"Fuck."

She tore her eyes away from the door that Callie had just left through, to stare at the chair she had been so recently sitting in. She placed her hand over the padded seat. It was still warm.

Her hand tingled.

Worst of all – worst of all – Callie had confirmed all of her fears that she was sleeping with Mark. Arizona had suspected, but hoped fervently to be told otherwise. Her heart had sunk to bottomless depths when Callie's eyes had glinted at her gamble, somber retort at her lips. She had felt utterly nauseous at the thought of them, at her triumph at succeeding in getting a rise from her ex, and at the bleak affect Callie displayed throughout the exchange. When Teddy had informed her that Callie had moved in with Mark, Arizona had desperately fought the idea that Callie would take the extra step. She had been down that road so many times before; after George, after Erica.

After Arizona, now.

Wincing slightly, Arizona withdrew her hand from the chair and placed it gently against her cheek.

Arizona could see that Callie knew that 'Mark' was not moving on. Sleeping with Mark, though it might have been familiar, was ridiculously immature and self-indulgent. Frankly, it was outright self-destructive and obvious. And yet, Arizona felt the small flame of hope inside her flicker mutinously. Even though her brain was interpreting Callie's behaviour logically, her heart could not.

This was it. She had turned Callie straight.

Callie was back on men, now. There was no fucking way that Arizona would ever be able to get close to her again. Callie would finally leave or kill Mark, the only two real options in their current situation, and would find some hunky footballer. Footballers were always breaking their legs. And they'd end up married and then they'd be pregnant within the year and have the kids that Arizona had wanted to have with Callie. His name would be Mike, probably, and they'd have three gorgeous children that all had Callie's big brown eyes and infectious grin and Arizona would never…

Stop.

Dropping her hand from her face, Arizona pushed down the accumulating thoughts. She was smarter than this.

She had to think smart.

Focused.

Callie's dismal, somber aura had been in stark contrast to her small oasis of beauty in the grey room. The shorter hair suited her, her caramel skin looked softer than Arizona could remember – and her lips. Callie's lips, so lush and pliant, had fallen into their familiar moue as Arizona had spoken to her and had made it that much more difficult to concentrate. Her pain and hurt had shone through, nevertheless. Callie's lack of any real fight and how easily she had driven her away worried Arizona. Teddy had tried to indirectly inform her of Callie's psyche, but Arizona had avoided her at the time.

Now she could see.

Callie was fading.

And Arizona was worried.

Arizona was someone who, when faced with a situation, would find a way to fix it. This was not a situation easily fixed. Her whole life she had learnt how to be in control; through her navy brat upbringing, through her medical training, through dealing with dying children day in, day out. Callie was a wild card. Callie made her out of control, which was both dangerous and enthralling at the same time. And now Callie was floundering and it broke Arizona's heart that little bit more.

In any case, the one thing that was obvious from the entire encounter, and kept Arizona's hope alight, was that Callie was not over her at all. Not one bit. The fire and passion had been dulled by her initial calm and abject demeanour, but Arizona had seen it, sensed it. Even as the parting shot had left her lips, Arizona had felt their ever-present connection reawaken in her soul with muted roar.

The same connection she had felt every minute of every day for the three full months she had been in Malawi.

Going to Africa had not been a choice for Arizona. The call had come and she had been ecstatic, right up until the subdued reaction from Callie. She had been congratulatory, but all too quick to look at Arizona in that way that she had that implied Arizona was some kind of insensitive imbecile and say "You're not going though, right?"

And ever so thusly, the bubble burst and she had suddenly realized where the conversation was taking a turn to, defenses riled.

"Callie, I have to go."

Callie had fretted and fought and fawned over her in equal measures as Arizona's decision remained solid. A disbelieving anger grew steadily within her as the, "but me, me, me," chorus rallied as the days till her departure counted down. This was the Carter-Madison Grant, for Pete's sake. It was meant to be the pinnacle of her career, the unlimited funds opportunity of a life-time to actually make a difference. Tiny coffins haunted her sleep occasionally, but always they belonged to the children who had very little choice, who were barely given a chance at life before they left it. These children in Africa were dying from diarrhoea. Diarrhoea. Let alone a simple case of appendicitis.

Arizona wasn't trying to make a missionary, Oprah statement. This was quite simply Arizona's dream. Whether it was in Africa or Timbuktu, Arizona wanted to give an opportunity to those in life who could easily be saved. Somewhere where she could really make the most of her hard learned knowledge.

And Callie couldn't see that. She only saw herself. Better yet, she had decided to accuse Arizona of not admitting that she was backing out of her promise to have a family with her. The sheer audacity of the statement had stung Arizona and she had given Callie a disparaging look before locking herself in the bathroom to take a shower.

"Callie, that's ridiculous and you know it."

Arizona did want children with Callie. It wasn't even something that she had to 'come round to' anymore. It was a simple fact for the future. She refused to admit the tiny ounce of relief she felt that the grant was for three years, which helped to cement her resolve to go. She wanted kids – she did, just not now. Callie had half given her a heart attack the way she flit about Arizona when all she wanted to for Arizona to move in. The way Callie loved, Arizona was all but ready for her to start flitting around about the next 'big step'.

When Callie had turned around and agreed to go with her, Arizona could not have been happier. The small tug of doubt she felt at the resolution had developed into full-blown apprehension as Callie's barbed comments ripped at her heart and systematically defused her joy. The anger she felt at Callie's actions had slowly subsided into a rippling sadness. As the dates came closer, Arizona began to realize that, nope, Callie was never going to Africa, nor – whether intentionally or not – had she ever intended to. It had hit her fully when Mark and Lexie had thrown the pathetically sweet going away party and her girlfriend had been so determinedly unpleasant. Arizona had left quickly under guise of a likely excuse before her emotion got the best of her. She had found her way into an empty on-call room to cry for a good ten minutes before heading home, heavy with the knowledge that she had a decision to make.

If Callie came with her, Callie would destroy them.

If she left Callie, Callie would be destroyed.

If Arizona stayed because of Callie, well, that wasn't an option either.

It was hardly healthy the way Callie was so passive-aggressively needy of her. Arizona wanted to be in a relationship were each party buoyed the other up, not dragged the other down.

It had been the hardest thing she had to do, walking away from Callie, but Arizona knew in her heart of hearts that this was the only option she had. The devastation she knew she had left behind broke her heart completely, but sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind and Arizona was giving the gift of anger to Callie. Anger that could help bring her back out of the hollow of desertion. If she were to be understanding or kind, Callie would cling and pine after her in hope. No, Arizona's job was to walk the fine line between the potentially destroying 'mean' and the resentment-inducing 'harsh', and give Callie the gift of anger. The gift of a clean break.

The phone calls and messages, emails and contact attempts had been an excruciating burden for Arizona. Callie had been pleading, angry and outright sobbing when she listened to her voice mail. Whenever her mobile rang with the familiar tone, her heart would stop slightly every time, thinking of what Callie might be doing, where she was.

She couldn't answer though. Arizona knew Callie too well. The slightest indication that Arizona was open to contacting her, speaking with her, would start the cogwheels in Callie's brain and reopen fresh wounds. Callie's undaunted love would pine after her with the slightest encouragement for three entire years until Arizona returned and they would find each other again, by then two different people, holding no small resentment from either side at what each put the other through.

So Arizona didn't answer. And it broke her heart a million times a day.

She threw herself into the work, and plenty there was of it too. The surgical ward alone held up to 60 children. Infection was rife and Arizona was pleased that at by the end of one month she had managed to install satisfactory health and hygiene regulations upon the wards.

She had wanted to tell Callie.

There was a difficulty with language barriers, but while Arizona had started to pick up key words, the hospital had supplied her with a translator. Friendly and enthusiastic, Mary had been invaluable to Arizona's work and had often become indispensable in her personal adjustment to the culture shock.

Arizona had been working for two months, when Mbizi arrived.

Five years old, Mbizi had recently become an orphan after his only surviving parent, his mother, had died with AIDS. Admitted to the surgical ward with a simple appendicitis, Arizona was not surprised to find Mbizi to be HIV positive, like so many of the tragic cases before him. The case was a straight forward operation and Arizona was leaning over the bed, post-op, checking the ancient saturation monitor when the small voice piped up from beneath her.

Leaning back to look at her small patient, Arizona smiled. Often in the cases of neglected or abandoned children, they were quiet and reserved, only responding to direct interaction. This child, Mbizi, obviously had some sort of tenacious character.

"He says your hair is the colour of the sun in the sky."

Arizona glanced at Mary before looking back at Mbizi and smiling. Picking up the small dark hand, she squat down to the child's level.

"Do you like it?"

The boy turned to Mary as she translated before whipping back to Arizona in understanding. Arizona laughed at the Mbizi's excited tones of speech, his head nodding furiously.

"I think even I understand that!"

Mbizi's eyes drifted over Arizona's face as he spoke again, more calmly now.

"He say that his mother is gone now."

Arizona nodded slowly, not giving away any emotion.

"He would like it very much if you are his mother now."

The thin, strong arm reached up to touch Arizona's hair as it framed her face and she smiled. She nodded.

"For a little while."

Two weeks later and it had all gone horribly wrong. Mbizi's HIV had converted into AIDS and he was deteriorating fast with an hospital-acquired chest infection. Arizona had the feeling…she always got a feeling.

This time it felt personal. Away in a foreign country, there was only so much one person could do. It had been a simple appendicitis and now this child who had been such a character – a ray of joy for Arizona – was dying. This was the kind of case that would give her nightmares for weeks. It felt like the biggest fucking failure cosmic kick-in-the-pants joke there was that here she was alone without her girlfriend. Without Calliope.

The wheezy little chest she was holding was starting to speed up. It was 7am, the day hadn't even started yet, and here she was with her 'son' who was about to die. Mbizi's immune system was nowhere near effective enough to fight off this infection and the drug therapy hadn't worked. The option to withdraw treatment was an all too easy decision for a HIV case when hospital resources were needed elsewhere.

Arizona rocked him gently as he endlessly attempted to catch his breath. She hushed him as he spoke softly, gazing up at her.

"He is glad you were his mother for this little time."

Arizona's eyes welled even as she smiled down at the sick child.

"So am I, Mbizi."

The child died before the breakfast could reach the tables. Arizona felt like screaming. It was all too much. Mbizi had died in her arms, and the whole time all she could think was of Callie's and her child. What if he had been their child? Arizona had come to the conclusion that any child of Callie's that didn't also call her, Arizona, their mother was abhorrently intolerable. She couldn't stand it. Arizona was going to love any child of Calliope Torres whether it belonged to her or not. And holding the sick child in her arms, in the inappropriateness – she knew – of the moment, Arizona had come to a realization.

She was sick in the head.

She couldn't see the wood for the Calliope.

She was all she could think about.

And she was sick of being the bad guy. The abandoner.

M had loved her unconditionally as his new mother. He had needed her.

She had needed her.

And Arizona felt the burning desire to make her need her again. To have that feeling again, propping her up like a million bucks, better than all the Carter-Avery-Madisons in the world.

Arizona wanted to be in Africa, doing this job. This was where she was meant to be, but the whole thing was going awry. It was suffocating and choking her each minute, turning her mad and sucking her lonely, broken heart dry.

So Arizona had made a decision.

Two weeks later she was on a twenty hour return flight to America, her old job waiting for her. Twenty hours was a long time to think.

It was crazy. Arizona was instantly regretting her decision as much as she applauded herself for it. She felt like for the first time in her life, this was a decision she hadn't quite thought through. It was out of control. What if Callie had moved on? It wasn't fair for Arizona to turn up randomly and expect Callie simply to fall back into her arms. This was something she would have to play by ear. But still, Arizona couldn't help hoping. Callie may have accidentally found out she was coming home and she would be waiting at the airport. Then when Arizona walked out of the arrivals they would spot each other at the same time and freeze before running up to each other, frantic in kisses, profuse apology and acclamations of love…

No.

Why was she doing this to herself? Arizona chastened her thoughts. If Arizona really loved Callie, then she was going to have to turn up and do the unthinkable; turn the decision over to Callie whether they could pick up again. No strings, no pressure.

And that approach had gone over so well today. So well.

The doctors' lounge door opened again and Arizona turned her dazed face. Callie?

Teddy paused as she took in Arizona's out-of-it look.

"Are you okay?"

Arizona's eyes slowly focused on her friend, her open mouth switching to a painted, excessive smile as she snapped back to reality.

"Yes. I'm fine."

Suspecting, but letting the deflection slide, Teddy sat down across the table from Arizona, coffee in hand.

"Have you spoken to her yet?"

Arizona's face flickered in dry mirth at the naïve irony of the question.

"Yes."

"And…?"

"It could have gone better."

"Jesus, Arizona, what did you say to her?"

Arizona looked up at her friend, sadly.

"You don't want to know."

Teddy sighed and rolled her fingers against the side of her cup of coffee.

"You two are the most idiotic people I know."

"I know."

"You need to speak to her again, properly this time."

"I know."

"Mark is on call tonight."

Arizona narrowed her eyes. Teddy continued.

"You need to go see her tonight."

Arizona didn't know why the fuck she was here, standing outside Mark's apartment on Teddy's orders. Especially when Arizona was probably the last person Callie wanted to see after today. In fact, she knew for certain Callie didn't want to see her.

The door to their old apartment was behind her and she could feel it laughing at her, taunting her, that this was the state their love had been reduced to.

Taking a deep breath, and before she lost her nerve, Arizona knocked.

She knocked three times, before taking a small step backwards, heart pounding furiously. She couldn't hear anything from within the apartment and nothing happened. Maybe Callie was out. Or maybe in the bathroom. Maybe, most probably, Callie didn't, like she had expected, want to see her. Arizona sighed.

Lowering her head she turned to leave. Then stopped.

The door-handle had turned.


	4. Chapter 4

~ The Queen ~

I have named you queen.  
There are taller than you, taller.  
There are purer than you, purer.  
There are lovelier than you, lovelier.  
But you are the queen.

When you go through the streets  
No one recognizes you.  
No one sees your crystal crown, no one looks  
At the carpet of red gold  
That you tread as you pass,  
The nonexistent carpet.

And when you appear  
All the rivers sound  
In my body, bells  
Shake the sky,  
And a hymn fills the world.

Only you and I,  
Only you and I, my love,  
Listen to it. 

~ Pablo Neruda ~

The door drew back fully and Arizona found herself face to face with Callie.

Arizona paused, taking in the sight of her ex-girlfriend dressed in a familiar purple top and dark jeans, before breathing and starting in.

"Callie, about today, I'm sor-"

The words died on her lips as Callie's hand shot up, signaling her to stop, shaking her head slightly. Both women remained silent as the hand slowly dropped back down to Callie's side, message clear.

People in love owed each other their lives, their truths and their apologies.

Arizona didn't owe Callie anything.

Callie's eyes traveled over Arizona's face, searching, until finally she took a step backwards and gestured into the apartment. Arizona stepped inside, giving a wide berth between their bodies.

"Thank you."

Arizona moved in further, appraising the spotless apartment as Callie closed the door behind her. Immediately her attention was drawn to the sofa covered in bed sheets, Callie's handbag and jacket strewn on the floor beside it. Her heart began to speed up at the encouraging realization that Callie, though 'sleeping' with Mark, was not sleeping with Mark. Arizona's mind began to race as she subtly attempted to look for more clues.

Callie brushed past her to stand next to the kitchen counter.

"Mark is on call tonight."

Arizona turned sharply to meet Callie's perceptive gaze. Embarrassed at being caught snooping, her face dropped into a mask of innocent inquiry.

"Oh?"

Callie's eyebrow twitched. Arizona's shoulders dropped.

"Teddy told me."

Callie nodded wanly, thumb rubbing the top of the counter as she gripped the corner in her hand.

The silence was awkward.

"Do you want something to drink?"

Grateful for the invitation and for anything to do, Arizona nodded enthusiastically, taking a step closer bringing her in contact with the counter.

"That would be lovely, Calliope."

Callie's body stiffened at her name and forced a small obliging smile to her face. As she turned around to open the fridge, Arizona glanced back around the room – taking comfort once again in the sofa bed.

Callie closed the fridge and Arizona quickly turned back to her, surprised to see a bottle of white in Callie's hand. Pulling out two glasses from a cupboard, Callie placed them in front of Arizona before opening the bottle and beginning to pour. Arizona didn't want to go out on a limb here, but she had never considered either Callie or Mark to be white wine aficionados. It was probably a coincidence, but still…

"I didn't think you'd have – "

Callie pushed one of the glasses towards her, eyes raised to Arizona's in warning. Arizona swallowed, dropping her gaze to the glass and grasping it between fingers.

" – Thank you."

She lifted the glass in a small toast and took a sip. The wine was good. Callie picked up her own glass and looked over at the sofa.

"Shall we sit?"

Walking around the bench, Callie led the way to the sofa arrangement and sat in a single. Arizona carefully balanced herself on the edge of Callie's sofa bed. It smelled of Callie. The whole apartment smelled of Callie. It smelled like Mark too. Arizona was suddenly struck by thought that she could be sitting on one of the very places Callie had had sex with Mark. She felt instantaneously nauseous as she stared at the sheets, torn with hope at whether she wanted to find evidence or not. She felt like ripping Mark's throat out of his neck.

Arizona was brought out of murderous thoughts as she heard Callie rustle uncomfortably in her seat. Looking over to her ex-girlfriend, she blinked. Callie's face had become dangerous, willing Arizona to say what she was thinking, challenging her to please try it. Give her a reason.

Arizona chewed her lower lip.

"So…"

"Comfortable?"

Callie's tone was acerbically sweet. Arizona didn't bite.

"Yes."

Awkward silence filled the room as both women took a sip of their wine.

"Why are you here, Arizona?"

Knowing what Callie was asking, but choosing to play dumb, Arizona gave the easy answer.

"I wanted to speak with you, Callie."

Callie scoffed in mild irritation.

"You know what I'm asking, Arizona. Why are you here? Why are you back from Africa?"

Arizona had been expecting this question the minute she had decided to return to Seattle. The simple answer was 'You, Callie, you', but Arizona couldn't say it. Their relationship depended on it. Callie was and always had been in love with love. Getting back together with Callie in a passionate romantic gesture was not Callie being in love with her. That would be Callie being in love with love again, whisked up in and living for the moment. Six months, years, down the track they would wake up from the hazy love of their reconnection and find the weak structures of the basis of their relationship, Callie distrustful of their permanency, Arizona unsure of Callie's love for her, and dormant fights still to be fought. It would destroy them, and any remaining friendship they could ever have, with resentment at time and love lost.

No, Arizona couldn't give Callie the big romantic gesture. If they were ever to get back to where they had been previously, it was going to take time, effort and trust. She had practised the sentence over and over in the mirror.

"I – I'd like to keep that to myself for the moment."

Callie's face split into an open-mouthed disbelieving grin.

"O-kay."

Arizona's chest tightened. She knew Callie wasn't going to take it well. It wasn't exactly the gesture of trust she was probably expecting.

"Callie – it's…it's personal."

Arizona fixed Callie with a desperate gaze, willing her to read between the lines.

The pain dulled in Callie's eyes and sank back into the chair, resigned.

"Alright." She paused. "So how was Malawi, then?"

Relieved at the simple question, Arizona perked up.

"Fantastic, Callie, you should have –," Arizona quickly stopped herself before the unassuming sentence could finish itself. Anxious at her misstep, she began to ramble.

" – it was fantastic. The country is just beautiful and everyone was so friendly. The hospital was a lot, well, I won't say better and I won't say worse, but different than I was expecting. I don't know what I was expecting, but that wasn't it, and it was such a nice surprise in a different way, y'know? The children were gorgeous and I got to do so much there for them. Oh! And in the first month we managed to properly install hand-washing stations outside the wards and – it was just – there was this pyloric sphincter kid and he was circling the drain and just a simple operation and we gave him back to his mother, and he had his whole life before him, y'know? The accommodation was great, and I had a translator called Mary who just went everywhere with me – and the markets! Amazing!..."

Arizona felt the tension in the room dissipate as she prattled on energetically about her experience. Callie was nodding and smiling at the right places, so she had to be listening to her. Arizona couldn't believe her luck. Finally things were starting to go right.

"I'm glad you had a good time."

"It was a great experience."

"Did you get my calls?"

Arizona momentarily had the words stolen from her mouth at the question from left field.

"Callie, you know I did."

Callie remained slumped in the chair.

"You didn't think of – oh, I don't know – returning any of them?"

Arizona cocked her head.

"Callie, you know I couldn't. We were broken up. We needed a clean break. There was no way it would be clean if we were crying and screaming at each other on the phone every live long night. I needed to focus on my job."

Callie's defenses had visibly shot back up again.

"Whatever you say."

She pushed herself off her seat, carrying her glass.

"Do you want a refill?"

She reached to pick up Arizona's glass at the same time that Arizona reached out to grab it in refusal. Soft brown fingers slid over delicate white knuckles. Callie quickly pulled back her hand, as if burnt, and their eyes met.

Awkward and silent, yet again, Arizona let out a short quiet laugh at the uncomfortable situation.

"This is ridiculous. I feel like we're in a movie."

Breaking off their eye contact severely, Callie walked over to the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, hilarious. My life hasn't felt real for a while now. My girlfriend moved in and we were moving in the direction of having a family and then – woops – off to Malawi for –"

"You know what Callie?" Arizona had stood upright in indignant rage. For the second time that day, she snapped.

"You know what? You can just keep up with your little 'woe is me' attitude all you want, but I am sick of feeling like the bad guy in all of this. I made a tough decision, because you couldn't and now I have dealt with just about enough crap from you and Teddy and my parents for leaving, okay?"

Arizona marched over to a sullen Callie and angrily placed her glass on the counter top.

"You get that you coming with me would have been the end of us, don't you? You would have resented me the entire time – no, let me speak – you would have resented me the entire time and made me hate you. And don't tell me that you wouldn't have resented me, because you already were, Callie, you already were with your little passive-aggressive spats."

Callie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes away to the ceiling, jaw tightened.

"And I'm sorry," Arizona's voice quavered ever so slightly, "I am sorry that I left you here, where you had made it abundantly clear that 'here' is where you wanted to be, with all your friends and your job, but I wanted you to be happy and you did everything in your power to show me exactly how unhappy I was making you. And don't you dare tell me that you wanted me to be happy, don't you dare, because you never once told me how happy you were, truly happy, that I had won the grant and was able to go. Not once. You were never thinking of me at all. And then you made me do that to you. You made me have to make that decision – on my own – and I went to Africa – on my own – and I missed you every single fucking day – on my own, Calliope. Every single one of them, lonely, in a new country where I didn't know the language. Where I was meant to be living out my dream career. So you took that away from me too. So just stop it, alright? I am sick of being the bad guy in all of this."

Panting with the emotion of it all, Arizona took a deep, shivering breath.

"And I'm here, now. I am here."

Callie's posture had gone from sardonic resignation to apologetic intensity. She licked the lower lip of her now dry mouth and spoke softly.

"Why?"

Arizona could feel what she wanted to say to Callie on the tip of her tongue. She buried it deep down and spoke differing words.

"I don't want to say."

But she felt the truth proclaiming itself through her eyes, louder than words. And Callie could see. Arizona couldn't hide it.

The tension was palpable. The silence was no longer awkward, but a separate form of communication. Callie was the first to break it.

"Teddy thinks we're idiots."

Arizona chuckled at the release, as she reached out to stroke the base of her glass on the counter.

"Teddy moped after Owen for half a year and is now internet dating."

Callie laughed. As her laughter died down, she looked at Arizona and spoke honestly.

"I do feel pretty idiotic, though."

Arizona sighed.

"Callie, can I hug you?"

Callie's breath caught in her throat. Arizona felt inordinately sad that she had been back in the country for a week now and she was yet to even touch Callie in greeting.

"I don't know if I – I'm not sure that – I don't think…"

Arizona felt even sadder at Callie's uncertainty.

"Just as a friend, Callie."

Callie looked up from her focus on the ground, confused and unsure.

"Are we friends?"

Arizona's throat constricted. Deciding on actions over words, Arizona reached out to take Callie's hand, pulling her into a tight embrace.

It felt amazing. Callie's warmth and smell coursed through her body, her heart beat easily felt through their melded bodies. Callie's initially stiff body relaxed into Arizona's and careful arms had weeded their way around Arizona to cling to her desperately.

Unexpectedly, Callie had begun to sob, her whole body shaking, as she pressed her face into Arizona's neck. Arizona's hand found leeway in their unswerving embrace to caress the short hair on the back of Callie's neck reassuringly.

As Callie's crying slowed to a halt, Arizona felt like she was in heaven. They had subconsciously started to sway and had been like that for minutes – or was it hours? – in a subtle communication of body language Braille.

Reluctantly, Arizona made to break the hug. She realized the dangerousness of the situation; a vulnerable, tear-stained Callie and herself, seconds from declaring undying love, was not a good combination. It was highly likely that an accidental kiss could happen when it shouldn't. They needed their friendship back, before they could even think about kisses. Arizona mentally cursed at herself. She shouldn't have even been presuming that there would be future kisses.

Callie sensed the natural end of their hug and began to move back. Arousal shot through Arizona as Callie paused by her ear to breath in her scent. Swallowing, Arizona held Callie's shoulders at arms length as Callie draped her hands over Arizona's outstretched elbows.

"I should probably go."

Callie's eyes drifted over her lips.

"Yeah, Mark will probably be home soon."

Hearing Mark Sloan's name brought Arizona back to the reality of the situation. She must have visibly reacted to it, because Callie had shook her head and picked Arizona's hands off her shoulders, taking them into her own.

"I'm not going to be sleeping with him anymore."

Arizona's heart soared at both the news and the all but green card to starting her relationship back up with Callie, but controlled herself.

"That's none of my business, Callie."

If Arizona's heart had been soaring before, Callie had stopped it dead with the blinding smile she had given her.

"I think it is."

Arizona had beamed, but as quickly as Callie had been full of promise, she seemed to beat herself mentally back to a more somber place where she wasn't overstepping the mark. Pursing her lips, she looked in collaboration at Arizona.

"We are going to have to take this real slow, okay? Not that I'm saying that there even is a 'this'. We need to take 'not this' slowly. Because I can't…"

Callie's plea withered. Arizona understood. Callie couldn't get hurt again. Arizona knew how that felt.

"I know, Callie. Let's just…be friends for a while, if we can. There is still so much to…just…figure out. I would love to be your friend."

Callie's smile was happy.

"I would like that, I think."

Elated with their temporary resolution, Arizona gave an assertive nod.

"Right."

"You should get going, hey?"

"Yeah."

Grabbing her bag from where she had left it on the sofa, Arizona turned at the door for a final goodbye. Callie had followed her to the door to see her out, and Arizona leaned in out of habit to peck Callie goodbye. Realizing what she was about to do, she stopped herself, sheepishly apologetic, and had tucked her hands into her jeans' pockets.

Taking one last look for the night at her gorgeous, now, friend, Arizona grinned. Callie gazed back at her amusedly, while holding the door up with her hand. A lounging goddess, waiting for her lover.

"I'll guess I'll see you tomorrow, Calliope."

Arizona felt hope.


	5. Chapter 5

~ I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair ~

Don't go far off, not even for a day  
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -  
because - I don't know how to say it: a day is long  
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station  
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because  
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,  
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift  
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;  
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.  
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far  
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,  
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

~ Pablo Neruda ~

Callie sat slumped on her sofa bed, bemused, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

Arizona had been here.

She turned her body slightly so she could peer over her shoulder to the kitchen counter where the solitary wine glass stood. It was still there. Arizona had really, really been there in the apartment drinking wine, and they had talked and hugged and almost – almost kissed.

The glass still contained the dregs.

Turning back to her original relaxed position, Callie sighed blissfully. She could feel the excitement bubbling up from within her. She could still sense Arizona's hand rubbing the back of her neck; she could smell her on her clothes.

Arizona had looked at her like…well, like…

Arizona had come back for her.

Callie felt the uncontainable smile rise to her lips. Arizona was so madly in love with her that she had ditched Africa and arrived, unbidden, at her doorstep. She had come back.

Callie turned quickly to look at the glass again.

Yep, definitely still there. She wasn't just imagining it.

She sunk back into the sofa feeling inordinately pleased with herself. Her dazed smile remained unfazed as she heard the key turn in the lock and Mark entered the apartment.

Callie ignored him while his eyes cast over the opened wine bottle and her blissful trance.

"What's got you so happy?"

Callie didn't even turn her head.

"Arizona was here."

Mark's eyes stopped scanning the room.

"Oh?" His mind began to fit together the puzzle pieces. Callie, wine, sofa bed, Arizona. "Right." He drew the word out, grinning, indicating his complete understanding of her connotations.

"Wha–? No, Mark." Trance broken, Callie exhaled exasperated, "we talked."

Appraising him discerningly, she watched as Mark bit back the teasing and disbelieving 'sure' he looked like he was dying to say, before nodding once.

"And…?"

Callie relaxed back on the couch again, gazing at the ceiling.

"It was good. We hugged."

Mark walked over to sit next to her, facing her with eyes narrowed.

"Okay." He picked up her right foot, resting her calf on his knee, and began to rub along her bare sole.

Callie felt her defenses rise as Mark's knowing look aggravated her.

"Mark, she's come back for me."

He looked uncertain as he continued massaging.

"Did she say that?"

Callie's hands opened and lifted off the sofa in emphasis, before collapsing back down again in dejection. Annoyed, she rolled her eyes.

"No, but I could tell."

"Cal –"

"I could tell, Mark."

She yanked her leg out of his grasp, placing it decidedly back on the ground. Mark sighed.

"I believe you, Cal…"

Callie crossed her arms over her chest. He didn't.

"…but what are you doing?"

Her eyes squinted in irritation as she turned her head and looked pointedly at him, speaking in an aggressive monotone.

"What?"

Mark stood his ground.

"Callie, this is the same woman that left you homeless, jobless and broken-hearted in an airport. I just want to be sure you're sure about jumping back into bed with her."

Callie scoffed and turned her head away from him, not wanting to be reminded of that day.

"I'm behind you one hundred percent, Callie, whatever you choose, but…just think about it, okay? I was there when you came back from – "

"Okay!" Callie didn't want to hear the rest of that story, "okay, Mark." She looked at him sullenly. "Yes, alright? Yes."

Mark raised his eyebrows and flattened his lips in a gesture of apology.

"I'm glad it went well tonight, but I just don't want to see you hurt again."

Callie sighed, giving a wan half-smile.

"You're right."

She clasped his hand and tapped the back of her hand, with their entwined fingers, against her lower thigh. Mark began to look marginally uncomfortable.

"Callie, about…I saw Lexie today, and…well…"

Callie's smile grew.

"Hold on the benefits. Got it. I was gonna say the same, y'know."

Mark gave a dry smile as he stood up.

"No kidding?"

He placed his free hand around the back of her head, pulling her closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm going to bed."

She let go of his hand as he took a step towards his bedroom. "Yeah."

He smiled, watching her carefully.

"Just think, okay?"

"Yeah."

She watched him as he made his way into his bedroom and closed the door, before heaving a sigh, slumping further into the couch and returning her gaze to the ceiling.

Mark was right. She was doing what she always did and getting ahead of herself. Just, when it came to Arizona, Callie knew she didn't always think straight.

In fact, she often thought a whole lot of gay, actually.

Arizona was intoxicating. It hurt Callie to be in the same room as her. It almost hurt as much as when Arizona wasn't there.

Almost.

But she needed to think. She couldn't let Arizona make her so giddy again. Arizona may have come back for her, but That Day was just as fresh in Callie's mind as if it had happened yesterday. At least twenty times a day she would review the script and make the necessary changes that would make Arizona stay. Prostration, proposals, or wrestling her into a cab. She thought about it so fucking much she was beginning to think she had PTSD. It especially came out to play at night, alone on the sofa, making it exceedingly difficult to sleep. Alcohol and Mark didn't help. She had thought of sleeping pills, but stealing them would be stupid and getting a prescription would involve telling someone, having someone confirm that she had a problem. Callie Torres didn't have a problem; she just couldn't get the goddamn thoughts out of her brain.

Having Arizona so unexpectedly close to her, holding her, had temporarily blocked out the memories, but Mark's sage advice had brought them back with a vengeance. He had been the one who found her.

It could have been 10 minutes; it could have been 10 hours.

She had stood transfixed, staring at the gateway her girlfriend had disappeared through, mind blank, caught in the paralyzing fear that – should she move – everything would become real.

Her mouth was dry and her heart was somewhere in a hole about 6 feet under her. That didn't explain the horrendous pain in her chest, then.

Just don't move.

"Sorry."

The little red-headed kid had backed into her luggage and almost knocked it over. Her eyes snapped from the gate onto the toppling 5 year old as he steadied both himself and her carry-on suitcase, before looking up to her.

She gazed back, numbly.

The child, uncomfortable with her lack of reaction, turned and ran back to his parents, glancing back, twice, as Callie watched him.

Boom.

And suddenly it was real.

Arizona had left her. Not just for Africa, but left her, left her. Had walked away without a backwards glance, left her.

The pain in her chest became overwhelming and Callie found she couldn't catch her breath. Her eyes began to pool.

"Flight 742 to Dubai is boarding. Flight 742…"

Callie was jolted by the loudspeaker and became aware of the hundreds of people milling around her vicinity. She swallowed. Gaining her composure, her left hand carefully snaked out to grasp the handle of her suitcase and tested its weight with a slight tilt.

She had to get out of there. Immediately.

She didn't know where she was going to go, but it had to be anywhere but here. She felt physically nauseous and ice-water was flowing under her skin. She had no luggage to collect. No, that was on the plane with Arizona.

Fuck.

Tugging on the suitcase handle, Callie turned around and began walking. Anywhere. Away.

She had sat rigidly in the cab on the way home, her mind completely blank, on the edge of an abyss. She had automatically made her way up to the apartment door until she finally, abruptly realized that she didn't live here anymore. There was a sub-letter in their apartment and she was homeless.

It hit her all too fast.

She was homeless. She was jobless. Arizona had left her. She had left her because Callie was that fucking worthless.

Less. Less. Less.

He had found her broken and crying pitifully in the corridor. He had sat with her the rest of the night until she checked in at the Archfield the next day.

Mark knew.

Callie felt overtly tired. She carelessly flung herself onto her side, aiming for the pillow. Seeing Arizona for the first time had been amazing, but she had let it overwhelm her. Although the evening had been promising, she needed to take a moment to think. There were serious issues. She already had a ready made list of questions she had collated over the three months – memorized.

No, if Callie saw Arizona tomorrow, things needed to go a little more differently.

For the first time in three months, Callie's sleep was dreamless.

"Calliope!"

Callie looked up from her Caesar salad to see Arizona's hopeful, dimpled beam directed at her, heading her way. Swallowing down a slice of tomato, she tried not to choke.

"Um…hey."

Arizona's eyes were fixed on her as she moved to take the seat across the table from her. Callie gave a nervous smile as she glanced around the cafeteria taking note of the discreet looks being thrown their way. Her eyes landed on Mark Sloan as he entered the room and spotted them instantaneously, eyebrows rising.

Arizona had barely sat down, when Callie stood up and leaned over the table.

"Look, can we take this elsewhere? I'm pretty sure everyone and their dog are listening to us."

Arizona glimpsed around the room, catching the hidden interest, her lip curling in distaste.

"Let's go."

She stood up and began to walk out of the cafeteria, Callie trailing behind her. Looking over at Mark at the other side of the room, Callie grimaced as he tapped his head with his finger and mouthed 'Think!'

"Shut. Up." Callie hissed as she mouthed the words back.

Arizona heard the exclamation and turned around in confusion.

"Callie?"

Noticing where her ex-girlfriend's attention had been drawn, she turned to look, spotting Mark whose hand immediately dropped, looking guiltily innocent. He had also been joined by Owen and Cristina, who had come in to drop off a lunch for her husband – presumably from her new line of work as bakery shop girl –, and was now blatantly and elatedly giving them the thumbs up.

"Oh my – Jesus!"

Callie pushed gently against her back, urging her forward.

"Just go. Keep going."

Escaping the confines of social eating, Callie sighed in relief. Arizona kept turning around incredulously, as if expecting an entire crowd to follow them.

"I forgot your personal life was on display for all and sundry at this hospital."

Arizona marched infuriated towards the nearest on call room and pushed the door open.

"Well, we're practically the hot topic of the year behind the shooting and Cristina quitting," Callie stated.

Callie followed Arizona into the room and shut the door behind her. She reached up to turn the lock, but hesitated and left it, turning back to face Arizona.

She didn't need to lock the door. They weren't together. It wasn't like anything was going to happen.

It wasn't like she was remembering the last time they had been in an on-call room together.

She definitely, for sure, wasn't remembering how Arizona had pushed her up against the door even as she was locking it, lavishing her neck with kisses. It had been a few days after Callie had agreed to go to Africa with her and they were so deeply in love. They had fallen, fumbling, together onto the bed, Callie hovering over Arizona and pressing kisses to her face, lips and neck. She had slipped a hand under Arizona's scrub top to palm a soft breast, smiling as she heard the reciprocal gasp. Moving her head, she had dragged her teeth over the pert nipple straining through Arizona's bra and scrub top. They had both moaned at the sweet contact, so severely lacking. Not content to play, Arizona's hands had wound into Callie's sweeping hair, pushing her down softly, encouraging. Callie had smirked, pumped with ego and arousal, and leaned up to kiss her partner before sliding down, nuzzling a taut belly button and pushing down clothes over Arizona's thighs. Callie could still hear the desperate, breathy exhalation of her name as she had leaned in and…

"So."

Callie mentally shook off the memory she was definitely not remembering and strode over to the bed, taking a seat, and hoping that she was not blushing as furiously as she felt she might be. Arizona had sat carefully in a seat a distance away from Callie.

Arizona was watching her closely, looking at her like she was a cool glass of water in the desert.

"Stop it."

"Huh?"

"You know what. Don't look at me like that."

Arizona cocked her head, lips pursed. She rolled her eyes away in annoyance before looking back at Callie.

"Fine."

Arizona bit a carrot stick in two.

Callie placed her lunch on the bed beside her. Lifting her head back up to face Arizona, she gnawed her bottom lip briefly.

"Arizona, I was glad it went so well last night, but this can't happen. I need to back off."

Arizona sat up straight, placing the rest of her carrot back in her lunch container.

"Callie, what – ?"

She cut her off.

"Wait. Just let me speak for a minute. Just for a minute, okay?"

Arizona acquiesced, sitting back on the chair, and crossed her arms over her chest looking at Callie intently.

"I get it. I do. All that you said last night. I know that there were a lot of problems leading up to That Day. And, y'know, in hindsight, I am glad I ended up staying here. I am. I think it was the right decision to make me stay."

Callie paused. Arizona remained silent. Looking warily at Arizona, Callie took a breath.

"I don't want to fight with you, Arizona, but I'm confused and I'm," she wanted to say 'broken', but she went with, "I'm hurt."

"Because I don't get it. I have spent endless nights trying to figure it out, but it still makes no sense to me. And I don't want to fight, but I just don't get it. My life is…was…" Callie sighed heavily, "is…yours and I feel so incredibly stupid that I ever thought that that was reciprocated in any way. I thought we were a partnership and your decisions affected me and my decisions affected you and that is why we needed to make decisions together." She took a quick breath and looked up.

"Arizona, I was so proud of you, I could not have been prouder when you won the grant. But I looked into your eyes and I could see that you had already made the decision. Alone. And you said last night that I made you have to choose to leave me, I made you have to cause this situation on your own, being lonely in Africa, but Arizona, don't blame that on me. I knew the second you came home that night to tell me the news you had won the grant that you had already chosen, alone. You chose that alone, Arizona. And there was not one goddamn thing I could do to stop it. I was drowning. You think you made that decision at the airport? Because you didn't. You made it, by yourself, the minute you got the news you had won. And I was too weak with love to see that, so we lived in 6 weeks of denial until you decided to tell me that decision at the airport. In an airport with no luggage, no home and no job. In the same way that my husband left me. In the same way Erica left me. In the same way you had been there and seen my father and family leave me. And the only thing I can think of is 'didn't I tell you enough'? Why didn't you know that you were everything to me? How did you ever think I wouldn't just slowly die if you left me? Didn't I show you, tell you enough, that I loved you? And, yet, the sneaking thought that keeps threatening to kill me dead on the spot is just…'did you ever love me at all?'"

Callie's gaze was intense and sad as she met Arizona's eyes.

"Did you ever love me?"

Arizona could barely speak. Her face felt heavy and immovable.

"Callie, I love you, still."

Callie blinked and swallowed softly. She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. How could she ever believe it?

"We were going to have a family."

"I want that, still."

Callie shook her head, sadly.

"I needed it."

And that was the difference.

And it had pushed them worlds apart.

Arizona stood up.

"Callie…I just…I feel…I'm so…there's nothing I can say to make this better. Nothing. Only, that I am so, so sorry and that I am here."

Callie gave a melancholy smile.

"Which makes it twice as hard to get over you."

Arizona's face cracked. Her eyes instantly filled with tears as she drew in a shuddering breath. Her hands rose up to cover her nose, drifting fingers onto her lips. She let out a soft burst of choking, staccato laughter, before biting her lips as stray tears began to wander down her face. Her voice was breaking in sorrow.

"I don't want you to get over me."

Callie didn't look at her, only nodding her head slightly.

Sniffling and rubbing the tears away from her cheeks, Arizona steadied herself.

"Okay, Callie. You don't need to worry. I'm backing off. Alright?"

She walked over to pick up her lunch, then back over to stand in front of her ex-girlfriend.

"Just…" she searched for words, "just, I'm here whenever you need me, okay? I'm here."

Callie finally looked up at her, eyes sharp. For the third time in twenty-four hours, she asked.

"Why are you here?"

Arizona paused.

And Arizona, always in control, took a risk.

Bending down, the palm of her hand slid gently onto Callie's cheek. Her lips pressed against Callie's, feather-light.

Savouring the softness and the fact Callie didn't pull away, she just as quickly stepped back again.

"I think you know."

And she walked out the room, not before she turned at the door and looked Callie directly in the eyes.

"I'm gonna fight for you, Calliope."

Callie smiled the first real smile she had had in a long time.

"I know."

Don't go far off, not even for a day, my dearest.


End file.
